Wedding Lesson #8: Obligatory Invites...Don't do it

I'd hate to post something negative, especially since our wedding was such a beautiful, joy-filled day. Maybe I've got a grudge I have yet to bury, but I've got to get this off my chest: Don't fall victim to the obligatory invite. Nope. Don't do it. It's not worth it. If someone has to force you, I mean literally scream and pout about inviting someone who clearly was so far off your guest list you asked "Who?" when their name was suggested, then nope don't do it.

But we caved in. We only have ourselves to blame for that. So my only resolution is to make sure other couples don't make the same mistake. When the auntie and uncle who mom and dad insisted on inviting never responded to our invitation, I called. And I left a message. Two weeks before the wedding, auntie calls to casually say that they're coming after we had assumed they weren't. Oh, and their grown son who lives with them wants to come, too. Whahhh? Never mind they're totally being rude by responding a month late, but they're adding another person on the invite! But I cave in. Not only does said auntie and uncle pull this on us, but so does another aunt who insists her grown granddaughter who lives with her can't stay home alone. Another aunt who's been MIA in our family for more than 10 years inexplicably shows up two weeks before the wedding. Mom insists that we must invite her now. She RSVPs for herself and her two adult kids, only to find out through the grapevine two days before the wedding and after our meal count has been locked in, that her two kids are not coming. Mom tries to tell me that I shouldn't expect too much from our guests.

"Filipino weddings aren't like this. We don't do RSVPs," she says.

"But we're not paying for the entire village either," I say.

Come wedding day, auntie and uncle and their wedding crasher son don't even bother to show up to the wedding. Nope, no-show. So is the 20-year-old granddaughter who can't stay home by herself. MIA aunt shows up, but with two complete strangers in place of her kids. Yes, at least she brought people to replace her kids, but geez, did the two said strangers have to sneak out of our reception venue with two of our centerpieces (which were reserved for one person per table)?

We lost nearly $300 on guests who did not show up at the wedding. One table was completely empty. And nearly all (but one person) were obligatory invites, people who weren't on our list on the first place. $300 is not chump change for us and I'm still fuming over it. I feel really bad, especially since I justified to my already-annoyed fiance why they deserved to be added to the list. And they don't even bother to show up? Seriously, culture should not be a reason for your lack of courtesy. I don't care if the wedding cost $5 or $100 per plate, you don't tell someone you're coming and not show up.

So, couples, grow a backbone. Don't let people dictate your guest list. Guests, have some manners please. Don't insist on bringing along someone who wasn't on the invite, it's not your place, no matter how much you think this person should be there. And don't flake out. You might think we won't notice because of all that's going on, but we do.

Too bad. Your loss. Food was D-lish.

Our Friendors

I must admit, being anywhere near our budget would not be possible without the help of our friendors--friends/family who are offering their services at a extremely discounted price or even free. We feel really fortunate and blessed that people are willing to do that for us. But while discussing budget weddings with a former bride, she said that she wouldn't consider our wedding as a budget wedding.

You're getting a lot of help from your family and friends, she sniffed. That doesn't count.

But why wouldn't that count?

As a budget bride, you have to be resourceful. It's always a good thing to maximize your resources. You're likely to get a better deal and service from people you know. If they're willing to help you out (and be careful, make sure your friendors will help you more than hinder), then why not? Also, talk to friends and family about people they know. Chances are they may know of a really good baker, or a place where they ordered affordable bridesmaid dresses, or a gorgeous venue.

But we wanted to be careful when we approached our friendors. We didn't want to appear we're asking for handouts, but at the same time we wanted to negotatiate the best possible price. We never asked for anything for free unless they offered. If we knew we were being offered a really awesome deal, we didn't push it further. We believe friendship or good family ties are worth more than the extra money we may haved saved.

Some of the items provided by our friendors include:
-Alterations and custom-made veil (done by my aunt)
- DJ and MC (by two of our friends)
- Choir (my sister sings in her church choir and a few of her choir-members agreed to sing at our ceremony)
- Engagement session and STD's (A friend shot our lovely engagement session and designed our Save the Dates!)
 -Day-of Coordinator (a friend of my MOH)
- Discounted photography and videography (a friend from work does awesome wedding photography and gave us a sweet deal!)
- A great deal on a Samoan dance group to perform at our reception. (Through our MOH)
- Friends and family are also helping with transportation, cooking (for our rehearsal dinner) and floral arrangements.

Are friends and family helping with wedding day festivities? Who are your friendors?

Bridesmaids 101

Source

We've all heard bridesmaid horror stories. Just head over to Wedding Bee's rant and vent board and you can entertain yourself with them. But I so understand how stressful being the bride can be, and your bridesmaids can be your lifesavers. But what happens when they don't exactly fulfill your expectations? What happens when they don't seem to know what everyone in the bridal world knows they're supposed to know?

Trust me, I feel the pain. But, in all fairness unless your bridesmaids have taken part in quite a few weddings, this might be new territory for them. There really isn't a bridesmaid manual we're all supposed to read, and
this isn't exactly stuff your mama told you growing up. So how are we supposed to know what being a bridesmaid really entails?

I have a confession. I was a bad Maid of Honor for my sister's wedding several years back. I was honored when my sister asked, but I was so clueless. I hadn't been a part of any weddings before then, except if you count the time when I was a 4, walking petrified down the aisle as the flower girl for my aunt's wedding. I wanted to help out, but being away in college, it was tough. I'm not making excuses, but honestly, no one really said anything or told me what I was supposed to do. Now, as I'm planning my own wedding, I wanna kick myself for not being much of a help.

So how can you avoid the drama of unmet expectations? Simply put, communication. When you ask your ladies to be in your court, make sure they know what you expect of them. Perhaps take them out for a cup of coffee after they've agreed to be your bridesmaid and talk about their responsibilities. When you do, make sure you cover these basics:

1) How involved do you want them to be in planning process? Be specific with the roles or tasks. If you want them to plan the shower and you want nothing to do with the planning, tell them. If you want them there for the cake tasting, food tasting, dress shopping, tell them. Make sure they know important dates and information. If you want them to take control over certain tasks or areas of the planning process with little direction from you, let them know. And if they can't fulfill your expectations, they need to tell you. I've heard of brides making a notebook of responsibilities for their bridesmaids. I send them periodic emails to keep them posted. But true, even when you tell them once, you may have to keep reminding them. Even though your mind may be racing with invite fonts, flowers, first dance songs and chicken or fish, doesn't mean their's is.

2) Straighten out budget issues early. As bridesmaids, they're probably going to have to shell out some money, whether it's for their dress, shoes, jewelry, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. Make sure they know what you expect them to pay for and what you are covering, if anything. Make sure they're ok with the amount of money they'll be asked to spend. Talk to them about their budget as well. With the economy being the way it is, I knew I couldn't ask my ladies to purchase a $300 dress on top of hair and makeup, among other things.

3) Establish attire details with them. I've never been a fan of making my bridesmaids wear a dress without hearing any type of input from. But if you are doing so, make sure they know that's what you plan on doing and they're OK with it. It's just not cool to surprise them with a dress you they're not willing to wear. If you tell them, "Wear anything you want," make sure that's what you really mean. If you plan on letting them choose their own gown, let them know of any specific requirements you might have (sillouhette, color, fabric, etc) before they surprise you with a gown you loathe.

4) Talk about wedding day tasks. Lay out in specifics what you want them to do, where you need them to be and when. It will be helpful to fill them in on the overall schedule and details of the day, so when it comes time, you can relax!

5) Be honest with them. If you're uncomfortable with a suggestion or the way they're handling a situation, talk to them about it. I read about a bride who was stressing big time when her MOH took over the wedding decor and colors into a look entirely different from the bride and groom's initial vision. Sure, it's nuts, but it doesn't help just to stew over it. Remember whose wedding this is and no one should make you feel pressured into something you don't want. Chances are, she doesn't even know it's bothering you that much. Make sure you tell her you appreciate her help, but you'd like to do things differently.

6) Hear them out. I know it's your day and it's your wedding, but you should listen to your bridesmaids' needs as well. When one of my bridesmaids hadn't picked out or ordered her dress yet, I panicked. I thought perhaps her interest in being a bridesmaid was waning and it hurt my feelings. After talking to her, I realized it wasn't lack of interest...she had been suffering through major morning sickness in her first trimester and was stressing out with board exams! In that case, I was able to be more understanding of her situation and offered to help her out as much as possible.

7) Show your appreciation. I'm not just talking about bridesmaid gifts (and I don't think the more money you spend on them always equates to how much you appreciate them). But remember, you asked them to be your bridesmaid. They are doing a lot for your day--whether it's expense-wise, or helping you plan and prepare leading up to the wedding and/or on the day of. Sometimes a little gesture here and there and a word of encouragement can go a long way. Chances are, your bridesmaids might not all know each other. It would be nice to take them all out for a little treat (coffee, dinner, lunch, maybe a spa day?) during the planning process for a little bonding time. This can help relieve tension and/or drama that might occur down the road.

Sorry, son, you're too old!

I have four nieces that I love to dote on, pamper and spoil. They are ages 2-7 years old and they are the most precious little darlings ever (OK, I'm biased). So, of course we had our flower girls. But we didn't know of any young boys to be our ring bearer.

For some reason, I thought they needed to be young, like barely-old-enough-to-walk-young. My fiance and I don't know of any male children that age. Since we we decided to limit the children at our reception to just the wedding party, we thought we'd just go without a ring bearer.

Then I thought of my 10-year-old cousin. I'm really close to his aunt (she's one of our wedding sponsors) and I would really like to include him at the wedding. But under our strict guidelines, we couldn't invite him. Then it hit me...why not make him our ring bearer? He's still a kid. If he's willing...why not? So I asked his mother and she was fine with it. Then I asked my cousin, and he seemed genuinely flattered. He said yes! Yay, we have our ring bearer!

But when I told a friend about the new addition to our wedding party, she laughed.

Don't you think he's a little too old to be a ring bearer? she asked.

Too old? I asked. Why would he be too old?

Well, don't you want cute little kids to snuggle to in your photos? she asked.

Whaaaa? I'm supposed to tell my cousin he can't be our ring bearer because he's surpassed the age of 'cuteness'? I'm supposed to tell a kid who hasn't even hit puberty and still plays with toys that he's too old to walk a pillow down an aisle? I'm supposed to tell my cousin he's too old for my photos???

Why don't you ask Amber if her son can be a ring bearer? my friend suggested.

Amber's kid? I don't even remember his name! Is he even old enough to walk? I say.

Well, he's really cute. He'd make a more appropriate ring bearer. Just make your cousin a junior groomsmen.

Seriously, what has the WIC turned us into that all of a sudden there are age caps for cuteness? Now all of a sudden I'm supposed add kids to my wedding party because they're cuter than the ones I really want in my court? That's s%#t! Besides, we already have four groomsmen and four bridesmaids. Why would I need an extra groomsman?

Silly me, I turned to the Web and typed in "age" and "ring bearer." Sure enough, I found varying opinions on the subject.

No older than 9, one commenter insisted.

This one was classic: Any older than 7 and they start to look stupid.

Really. That. is. what. she. said.

Unbelieveable.

Nowhere could I find valid reasons why ring bearers, or even flower girls, needed to be under a certain age, other than "they'll look stupid." By most accounts, in older days, these roles were filled by young men and women. So what difference would it make if I chose a kid slightly older than the so-called appropriate age? And if the child wants to be in my wedding party in the role I ask them to fill, even better, right? If I'm missing something, let me know. Otherwise, I think the flower girl/ring bearer age cap is crap.

Different dress, same thing

I'm in a dilemma. I can't keep my mind off of a dress, even though I swore I would never consider her again. But she keeps coming back to me, driving me insane with desire. I must have her. She beckons. I feel like some sleazy dress owner with a habitual wandering eye. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever settle down with just one dress? Will I ever be certain I have the one? No, because I keep thinking about her.

Remember, my Casablanca gown? No, not the trumpet one I had seriously thought was the one. The A-line V-neck strappy gown I thought was mine for a fleeting moment. I came back from the store, excited about the perfect-fit gown in mint condition, ready off the rack for $400! I loved the dress from the moment I slipped her on. She fit me like a glove. She complimented those dreaded hips of mine, not accentuated. Ah, she had me at hello. I didn't buy her, but I was almost sure I'd come back for her again.

But then I discovered she had already been worn. Not just by hundreds, if not thousands, of other brides, but one person that would end our short-lived affair. My future sister in law had already worn that exact same dress just two years before! Would anyone notice? Um, at least one person would. And I don't think that's how I want to start off my relationship with my FSIL! Imagine me wearing her gown! Awkward.

The Casablanca gown

The thing is, after trying on dozens of dresses and looking at countless gowns, I've finally realized which dress I think really compliments my body, the kind of dress I feel comfortable and beautiful in. V-neck, A-line, with a little bit of ruching on the bodice. It's got to have a train. Something that exudes understated elegance, not too many embellishments. Sounds like a dress you can easily find, right? Nope. A non-strapless gown requirement eliminates pretty much 90% of the wedding gowns out there. Not only that, but they're usually covered in beads. Beads can be beautiful, but I can only stand very little of them.

When I would describe the perfect gown to salesladies, their eyes light up like they know exactly what I'm talking about and they come back with, well, what do you know? That damn Casablanca gown. She haunts me yet again.

I've searched high and low for another gown similar, yet different, with not much success. Until, I don't know, the heavens sent me Maggie Sottero with this eerily similar gown:

My eyes bulged out of their sockets, my heart leaped. It was Casablanca 4.0! A definite upgrade. She's made of satin, not taffeta. And while the Casablanca gown had a splash of barely there beads across the bodice, this Maggie Sottero gown is simply shiny satin. But, get this, she has a corset back! Definite plus! Price-wise, she's a little on the high end for me, but still below my maximum budget.

But wait...who am I kidding? She's basically the same dress! Different designer, different material, slight difference on the details, but put the two gowns together and you're seeing double! I called different bridal shops looking for the sample gown and all of them said the same thing --We don't carry this gown, but we have a Casablanca gown just like it... Yeah.

I love this dress. I've never wanted a dress like this before. But will it still be tacky to wear a gown that's kinda, sorta, but not really the same as the one my FSIL wore on her wedding day? I've been told that it shouldn't matter, it won't be the same, my FSIL probably won't even notice. But still, if you were my FSIL, how would you feel? Help! What would you do???

Cash vs. Open Bar

We may get a lot of flack for this, but apparently we're committing a major wedding ettiquette no-no: we're having a cash bar. gasp! Yes, our guests will pay for their own alcohol if they want to get sloshed at our wedding. Stingy? Maybe. But open bars are soooo expensive. And while making our list of priorities, alcohol wasn't one of them. The fiance and I, we don't drink. As in, hardly ever. As in, virtually never.  I'm not opposed to a little social drinking every now and then, but I just never cared for alcohol. My fiance is the same way.  My fiance is LDS, so he and pretty much 25% of our guests don't drink at all. Seriously, we won't miss it.

Well, what about your guests?

We know that most of our guests of 110 closest family and friends are not social drinkers, meaning they've been known not drink even if it is available. But we're not holding back completely on the liquor. We will be serving the restaurant's best champagne for the toasts and the meal. Guests also get complimentary soda, tea and coffee. Besides, why spend hundreds more on an open bar for an afternoon wedding???? Who gets drunk at 2 p.m.?

Oh, but why make your guests pay for their own alcohol? That's so cheap!

Call us stingy, but I just can't justify spending $$$ on an open bar so a select few can splurge on their afternoon alcohol binge. And if any of our guests are going to throw a hissy fit over liquor...honestly we don't really care. People certainly get all self-righteous when it comes to what they deserve as guests. I read a thread about worst wedding stories, and folks were getting real snooty about details like cake (you know how I feel about that). Apparently, a guest had been to a wedding where the bride and groom served a sheet cake, and this guest declared it the worst wedding ever! Not only that, but they had a cash bar! Oh how tacky!

We're inviting only our closest friends and family. These people won't care whether or not they shelled out $7 for their liquor for the day. These people won't care whether or not they got silly drunk. They're here to watch us get married and celebrate. And believe me, if you know our family and friends, we have fun, we get crazy, we get silly, with or without the alcohol.

The Bridesmaid Look

I have to admit, there are a few things related to the wedding that's not included in our budget. These include the bridesmaids' dresses. I know some brides cover this for their bridesmaids and it would be great to be able to do so, but we just can't afford them. I've been assured by blogs and other people that this is perfectly fine etiquette. I found a bridesmaid style I love: deep purple, strapless, not too long, not too short. Pair them with gold strappy shoes, and they're rockin'! My ladies will be hotties in them...not that they aren't already :) The look is appropriate for an afternoon wedding--not too formal, but not too casual either. I want my ladies to stand out among all the guests.

But of course...the price. I would love to find a really affordable outlet for them. I think it's only fair that I at least be able to find them an outlet that won't rob them of everything they own. The search continues...

Appreciate your Friendors!

As my fiance and I began brainstorming our wedding budget, we thought of ways and areas to cut corners. Food and photography were categories we thought we would be willing to splurge a bit. But invitations--those are at the bottom of our list. Seriously, who really saves the invitation? Besides maybe Mom? Then we thought of people we could ask for help. Family members who are artistic and crafty can help with any DIY projects, maybe my printer co-workers can help with the stationary. While we thought about all the help we can ask for, we were consious of the fact that many of these peope would be doing us huge favors. Unlike hired vendors, our friends and family, or "friendors" are taking out time and money so we can save some. We told ourselves that we should never forget that.

When a good friend of mine and her boyfriend offered to spend a day taking our engagement photos for free (and free retouching), we wanted to make sure we show them how truly grateful we were. We picked them up so they didn't have to drive to San Clemente for the shoot and we paid for their meals throughout the day. Sure that may have cost us 40 or so dollars, but how much would we have paid to hire a professional photographer? I thought the photos turned out just as nice anyways, and now my fiance and I have photos we can cherish forever. Also, just because your family members or friends can offer their services, don't expect them to do it for free. Do your research. If a friend of a friend normally charges $4000 for photography, and you know the minimum cost of most photographers run at about $1,000, then don't get upset if they offer you a quote of $600. The point is, no matter how stressful the planning process is, don't treat your family and friends like slaves. Always show your appreciation and be genuine about it.The more confident you'll be that they'll do their best because they know you value their friendship.

Conquering the Obligatory Wedding Invite

Well, it was bound to happen. Most couples faced with trying to keep the guest list small will eventually go throught it--the guest list spat. People will be surprised to learn that I am pretty stubborn about things, and when you put my equally-stubborn fiance and I in a disagreement, things can get ugly.
Yes, we both decided early on that we wanted our wedding to be a small intimate affair full of only our closest family and friends. We decided on 100 guests--a modest number. It's what we can afford and well, we want a smaller number so we can have an opportunity to talk and interact with one another. We agreed on 50 guests on both sides. Easy, I thought. I don't have a large family anyway. But really, 50 is more like 25 when you think about it. You invite your favorite aunt, but it would be rude not to invite her husband, your uncle. You want to invite your best friend, but how can you get away with not extending the invitation to her boyfriend of three years? Then you start to think, Daaayum! I do have a big family.
Coming from a close-knit Filipino family, where respecting your elders is the ultimate rule, every little thing can be perceived as an act of disrespect. People can hold grudges, and saving face and being polite is a huge deal.

But why should I invite an aunt and uncle I hardly see or talk to --along with their brood of children--over a friend I've known for years? The obligatory invite can be such a touchy issue. My parents don't think there's any alternative. It's better to sacrifice a friend then to upset family. My aunts and uncles will get an invite, but I may not be able to invite all of my cousins. My fiance doesn't understand why I bother to invite some of them at all. For him, if you don't know his birthday, you're not invited--even if you are his dad's sister. No hard feelings, just move on. Why can't I just be more firm and say no? I suppose it has been culturally engrained in me to try to make everyone happy.Thus started our disagreement.

Maybe I just wasn't raised that way. If I put myself in favorite cousin's shoes, I would feel wierd attending a family member's wedding that my parents weren't invited to. I can see years of family drama ahead. So after hours of defending certain family and friends, our guest list was finally cut down to just a little over 100 guests, although we're pretty sure we will receive some declines. Some friends and family don't get to bring a guest. It is kind of annoying that a friend of a friend gets to be at your wedding over another friend who you actually know and you had to cut. Children (except my sister's children and a couple others) are not allowed. But I still have the recurring bad feeling that certain guests still won't get it. People have already invited themselves to our wedding, people I would love to have at our wedding, but probably won't make the cut. Maybe they'll just get the hint when that invitation doesn't arrive. I won't rule out certain guests bringing their own wedding crashers, either. For some, it's the more the merrier. There were a few guests at my sister's wedding who brought friends or children not on the invitation. It may be a cultural thing, they might not realize how rude that actually looks when food prices and packages are determined per head. (I found this really good blog post on wedding guest ettiquette) So, my fiance and I will be calling each guest to make sure that the people planning on coming to our wedding are the ones on the guest list. Tacky? Maybe. But it must be done. Of course we'll try to do it in the sweetest tone possible. We would love to be able to have a huge wedding and have all the time in the world to talk to each and every one of our guests, but it's not possible. People need to understand that they're not entitled to be at anyone's wedding. We hate to seem like mean, stingy people, but it must be done.