Wedding Lesson #8: Obligatory Invites...Don't do it

I'd hate to post something negative, especially since our wedding was such a beautiful, joy-filled day. Maybe I've got a grudge I have yet to bury, but I've got to get this off my chest: Don't fall victim to the obligatory invite. Nope. Don't do it. It's not worth it. If someone has to force you, I mean literally scream and pout about inviting someone who clearly was so far off your guest list you asked "Who?" when their name was suggested, then nope don't do it.

But we caved in. We only have ourselves to blame for that. So my only resolution is to make sure other couples don't make the same mistake. When the auntie and uncle who mom and dad insisted on inviting never responded to our invitation, I called. And I left a message. Two weeks before the wedding, auntie calls to casually say that they're coming after we had assumed they weren't. Oh, and their grown son who lives with them wants to come, too. Whahhh? Never mind they're totally being rude by responding a month late, but they're adding another person on the invite! But I cave in. Not only does said auntie and uncle pull this on us, but so does another aunt who insists her grown granddaughter who lives with her can't stay home alone. Another aunt who's been MIA in our family for more than 10 years inexplicably shows up two weeks before the wedding. Mom insists that we must invite her now. She RSVPs for herself and her two adult kids, only to find out through the grapevine two days before the wedding and after our meal count has been locked in, that her two kids are not coming. Mom tries to tell me that I shouldn't expect too much from our guests.

"Filipino weddings aren't like this. We don't do RSVPs," she says.

"But we're not paying for the entire village either," I say.

Come wedding day, auntie and uncle and their wedding crasher son don't even bother to show up to the wedding. Nope, no-show. So is the 20-year-old granddaughter who can't stay home by herself. MIA aunt shows up, but with two complete strangers in place of her kids. Yes, at least she brought people to replace her kids, but geez, did the two said strangers have to sneak out of our reception venue with two of our centerpieces (which were reserved for one person per table)?

We lost nearly $300 on guests who did not show up at the wedding. One table was completely empty. And nearly all (but one person) were obligatory invites, people who weren't on our list on the first place. $300 is not chump change for us and I'm still fuming over it. I feel really bad, especially since I justified to my already-annoyed fiance why they deserved to be added to the list. And they don't even bother to show up? Seriously, culture should not be a reason for your lack of courtesy. I don't care if the wedding cost $5 or $100 per plate, you don't tell someone you're coming and not show up.

So, couples, grow a backbone. Don't let people dictate your guest list. Guests, have some manners please. Don't insist on bringing along someone who wasn't on the invite, it's not your place, no matter how much you think this person should be there. And don't flake out. You might think we won't notice because of all that's going on, but we do.

Too bad. Your loss. Food was D-lish.

Tracking down the elusive RSVPs

So our RSVP deadline came...and went. And at the end, we counted nearly 60% of our guests had taken the time to tell us whether or not they're coming. Not bad of a response, considering we went the nontraditional route with online RSVP's, but it could be better. I was rather surprised because even some of the "older" folks logged on to our web site to give us an answer. People commented on how so much fun and easier it was to respond online. The other 50 or so people who didn't RSVP? I think they probably wouldn't have responded regardless if it was snail mail or online.

So, we're hitting the phones this week! Wish us luck!

Conquering the Obligatory Wedding Invite

Well, it was bound to happen. Most couples faced with trying to keep the guest list small will eventually go throught it--the guest list spat. People will be surprised to learn that I am pretty stubborn about things, and when you put my equally-stubborn fiance and I in a disagreement, things can get ugly.
Yes, we both decided early on that we wanted our wedding to be a small intimate affair full of only our closest family and friends. We decided on 100 guests--a modest number. It's what we can afford and well, we want a smaller number so we can have an opportunity to talk and interact with one another. We agreed on 50 guests on both sides. Easy, I thought. I don't have a large family anyway. But really, 50 is more like 25 when you think about it. You invite your favorite aunt, but it would be rude not to invite her husband, your uncle. You want to invite your best friend, but how can you get away with not extending the invitation to her boyfriend of three years? Then you start to think, Daaayum! I do have a big family.
Coming from a close-knit Filipino family, where respecting your elders is the ultimate rule, every little thing can be perceived as an act of disrespect. People can hold grudges, and saving face and being polite is a huge deal.

But why should I invite an aunt and uncle I hardly see or talk to --along with their brood of children--over a friend I've known for years? The obligatory invite can be such a touchy issue. My parents don't think there's any alternative. It's better to sacrifice a friend then to upset family. My aunts and uncles will get an invite, but I may not be able to invite all of my cousins. My fiance doesn't understand why I bother to invite some of them at all. For him, if you don't know his birthday, you're not invited--even if you are his dad's sister. No hard feelings, just move on. Why can't I just be more firm and say no? I suppose it has been culturally engrained in me to try to make everyone happy.Thus started our disagreement.

Maybe I just wasn't raised that way. If I put myself in favorite cousin's shoes, I would feel wierd attending a family member's wedding that my parents weren't invited to. I can see years of family drama ahead. So after hours of defending certain family and friends, our guest list was finally cut down to just a little over 100 guests, although we're pretty sure we will receive some declines. Some friends and family don't get to bring a guest. It is kind of annoying that a friend of a friend gets to be at your wedding over another friend who you actually know and you had to cut. Children (except my sister's children and a couple others) are not allowed. But I still have the recurring bad feeling that certain guests still won't get it. People have already invited themselves to our wedding, people I would love to have at our wedding, but probably won't make the cut. Maybe they'll just get the hint when that invitation doesn't arrive. I won't rule out certain guests bringing their own wedding crashers, either. For some, it's the more the merrier. There were a few guests at my sister's wedding who brought friends or children not on the invitation. It may be a cultural thing, they might not realize how rude that actually looks when food prices and packages are determined per head. (I found this really good blog post on wedding guest ettiquette) So, my fiance and I will be calling each guest to make sure that the people planning on coming to our wedding are the ones on the guest list. Tacky? Maybe. But it must be done. Of course we'll try to do it in the sweetest tone possible. We would love to be able to have a huge wedding and have all the time in the world to talk to each and every one of our guests, but it's not possible. People need to understand that they're not entitled to be at anyone's wedding. We hate to seem like mean, stingy people, but it must be done.